Phantom Memory
by indescisive
Summary: Ender isn't human, he's too godlike. Bean is even less human. So what happens now?
1. Voices from the Past

Bean stared at the display again. The screen was full of red and green blinking dots. Day after day, in front of the screen, just waiting. Waiting. But no more.

They had found him, finally they had found him. Bean almost cried out but caught himself. No need for displays of emotion, now. Rationally, he didn't understand why he had left his new family to look for a phantom of his memory. He knew though, he knew it was right, he knew that he needed this. Maybe he could cure the disease that had plagued him for years now.

At first, he didn't understand. It didn't go away like pains usually did when he wanted them to. He sat down, and tried to seal the pain in a box, like everything else. He tried to work it out, tried to see it through, he tried everything he could try. Despite all his efforts, nothing worked. Bean was not at all used to not being in control. Control over himself was the only thing he ever had that others didn't. It was his last line of defense, and nothing could breach it. Apparently though, someone could. And that someone was only about twenty minutes away.

Ender caught himself dozing off to the steady beeping of the ships' equipment. Ever since the war, he'd had trouble staying awake for long periods of time. It was as if his brain wanted to shut down, wanted to keep the guilt and the grief at bay by making him sleep.

Ender slumped in his chair. He didn't know where he was going and he didn't know why. All he knew was that he needed to get away from Eros desperately. For a year now, he had been floating aimlessly in space, trying to make sense of the guilt, grief, and loss he felt. He was completely alone with his thoughts. Ender's mind was a dangerous place to wander in alone.

A red light on the screen caught his attention. There was a small ship nearby, only about five minutes off. He immediately began considering all the possibilities, trying to figure out what was going on. No one went this deep into space. There was no reason to be out here. Yet there it was, the little ship that could. Ender called to the other ship on the radio.

"Hello. What brings you out here?"

"Ho, Ender."

"Ho, Bean"

"Can I board you?"

"Sure Bean"


	2. Meeting of Minds

Ender blinked, too stunned to respond intelligently to anything. He sat upright and waited for Bean to come. Ender had heard Bean's voice, he had just been talking to Bean. Barely talking, but still talking. Still nearer to Bean than he'd been to any other person for a year. Fitting, that Bean was the only on who had seen through the wall, if only a bit, to Ender's humanity. Fitting that now he should bring him back to life.

The boarding door began to slide open with a slithering sound, revealing the interior of Bean's tiny ship, the only spacecraft he could get. It was old, full of outdated equipment and overlarge displays. Ender looked closer, straining his eyes to try and find Bean. Then, the control chair turned around, squeaking slightly. Ender was amazed. Bean had grown _fast. _He was at least six inches taller than when Ender had last seen him. Bean stepped forward, with what looked to Ender like hesitation. But it couldn't be hesitation, not from Bean. Not form the soldier who demanded a toon the first day of practice. Yet there he was with a distinctly timid and dubious expression displayed on his face.

Ender stood up and let out a long breath. Why was it so hard to let the air in and out? Awkwardly, he tried to smile, and ended up with something more of a grimace. He'd known he would eventually have to face people again, but he'd expected to have time to prepare, to know what to say and do. Bean had come upon him so fast, it was all he could do to stand there, silent.

Finally, Bean managed to squeak out something of a greeting. Ender couldn't tell what exactly he had said, but he knew the intent was to greet him. Ender moved forward, his breath becoming shorter and shorter as his nerves began to spin further and further out of control. He opened his arms and embraced Bean, at first limply, but then firmly. He had missed Bean, if not anyone else. They let go after what seemed a second and an eternity simultaneously. The ambivalence was killing Ender. He knew he should say something, but what? Bean beat him to speaking.

"Been a long time, neh?"

Ender rearranged his face into what he hoped was a rueful grin. Bean cracked a smile in return, hoping to slowly undo the years that so obviously damaged him into this state of solitude.

Ender considered, and decided that for now, humor was the best form of communication.

"Still smaller than a bean."

Bean laughed and sat down in an empty chair near the command chair. For now, that was progress. At least Ender could still joke. Calculating, analyzing, he scanned the room with his radar-like gaze, trying to pick up on any scrap of information he could. Ender sat down in his command chair again and watched Bean scan the surroundings, as he had seen him do many times. Bean realized he was drifting off and tried to steer them back to conversation.

"So where is this thing headed?"

"Don't know yet. I suppose I'll find out."

"You're gonna run out of supplies. Eventually, you have to land somewhere."

"I've got a good fifteen years left."

"And then it'll be centuries after everyone you know is dead."

"So?"

"Don't you care about anyone, Ender? Your sister is out on the colony ship, crying her eyes out for you, everyone from battle school is looking for their hero from the skies, and Earth is falling apart. They need you now, while you're off on your little solitary jaunt into uncharted space."

"Bean, someone else will take care of it. They don't need me, they only think they do. There's someone who'll come along to take care of humanity. I'm done with carrying the world on my shoulders. It's not fair, I don't want to kill anymore! I don't care what wars are going on down on Earth, I don't want any part of it. Everyone worships me, I'm their savior, but I'm really just the monster who destroyed an entire race of sentient beings."

"You were tricked, you thought it was only a game!"

"It doesn't matter. I still did what I did."

Bean stared off, trying to come up with answer that would assuage his guilt, but nothing came to mind. It was seemingly hopeless, but Bean knew that he had come to do the impossible, and was fully expecting to carry out his task. It was what he did.


	3. Of Tosses and Turns

Bean shut his eyes, and began to breathe. In and out. He counted his breaths, counted to eight and then started all over again. It was easy and he could do it for hours. Best to keep his mind on counting breaths. It slowed his thoughts, eased them, and let them flow by, as a gentle stream, not the ferocious waterfall he knew they would be, were he to take his mind away from breathing. For there was someone else breathing, breathing right beside him. He almost smiled at the thought before mentally kicking himself. All thoughts of counting breaths were lost now. Besides, he'd be interrupted by the breather beside him, right beside him, and close enough to….

No. He would not think of Ender that way, he refused. Ender was not his love, Ender was his commander, his hero, his role model. Always higher than he, never equals. Of course. Because that was how it always has been, and Bean was never one for optimism. Optimism had always left him hurting, where pessimism had always had him prepared. Bean had no reason to believe his relationship with Ender would change, and even if it did, that would bring a whole slew of its own problems. Not that Bean wouldn't welcome the change with open arms. Smiling at the thought, Bean half turned in his sleep, rolling on to his side and rustling the covers ever so slightly. Of course Ender knew Bean had moved. He'd been watching Bean's every movement and listening to his extremely regular breathing. That's right, regular. Not special or extraordinary or gifted. Bean had the capability to do something normal. The fact astonished and frightened him at the same time that it consoled him. Bean, the smartest human in the history of the world, had a scrap of mediocrity, normalcy, regularity. _He breathes normally, so there's gotta be something else normal about him _thought Ender, silently laughing at the thought. Why did he care whether Bean was normal or not? What would he gain for noticing that Bean not only breathed regularly, but slept and ate the same way? Why did it matter? It did matter though, and Ender didn't know why he cared about the breathing habits of the person beside him. For now, it would just have to suffice that he _did_ care. For whatever reason, Ender cared about Bean's breathing. He chuckled inwardly

_I really did go insane out here, didn't I? _

Of course, no one answered. It wasn't a question with an answer, and there was no one else in his head to answer it. Pity. Ender really did need someone to keep him in line.

**A/N: So I know this chapter kinda sucks…but…I felt like I needed to put something out there. Also, I need a beta (or several) cause uh…I suck… **

**Thanks to bobbyneko, AshenSkies, DisIllusions, SilverGryphin, and hermia's wings for reviewing. I really appreciate the feedback reviews, so pleeeeaaaase review. **


End file.
